Connection is paramount in the parent-child relationship; we are wired for it, and our children crave it like food. Recognizing this, we approach tasks like putting on shoes with empathy and understanding. “Would you like to do it yourself, or can I help you?” If it’s taking longer than expected, acknowledging their struggle and offering assistance shows them that their feelings are valid and safe with us. “I see this is taking longer. You did your best but we have to go now. I’m going to carry you into the car and we can try again later today.”

These are just a few examples of scripts we can use with children. You don’t need to memorize them; what’s important is understanding why they work. It’s all about connection before correction, as Dr. Daniel Siegel teaches us.

When tears flow, it’s essential to remember that crying is fundamental—it’s an expression of a soft heart, not a sign of weakness. Rather than dismissing or distracting from their tears, let’s create a safe and loving space for them to shed their emotions. Sometimes, aggression rears its head, and it’s tough for us to handle. Taking a deep breath and acknowledging their anger while redirecting their actions toward a safer outlet, like hitting a pillow, can help diffuse the situation. We can say “Wow, you are very upset! I can’t let you hit me, but you can hit a pillow or stamp your feet”.

Children are still learning to regulate their emotions, and they need our guidance and support in this process. Every child is different, and we’ll discover what works through trial and error. Some might like to be hold, some might not. We can ask: “Would you like a hug?” If they reply no, we can say: “I am here next to you, I am not scared by your emotions”. It is hard to be calm and present while this happens; we can take a deep breath thinking that we can get through this. It doesn’t last forever. I usually take few deep breaths reminding myself that it is not about me but about the child. She is having a hard time and I am there for her. I am the adult and I can handle this (most of the time ?).

Transition times like drop-off and pick-up at school can be challenging for both parents and children. Using the “connection card” by offering reassurance and a consistent phrase can help ease the separation anxiety. I use the same phrase every day: “You are my little diamond, go and shine!” I also help bridging the relationship with my kids children by saying that their teacher will take good care of them. If the goodbye is very difficult, I acknowledge the pain and I remember my kids that I love them and I will see them at the end of the day, offering an anticipation of our reunion: “When I pick you up, we go home and play dolls together”.

At the end of the day, when our children are tired and overwhelmed, offering a hug and some loving words can help them decompress and feel supported. Some quite time and lots of rest is key. Silence is also game changer. Driving home, it is beneficial to keep it calm and quite, no questions, no words, some gentle music in the background. Dinner time and bedtime are great moment to connect with your child and ask some questions. How was your day? or What did you do at school? are very broad questions. Something like this can help: “Does anybody want to share something funny that happen today? I’ll start…” and see what your child might say. You start the conversation sharing something specific and see how it goes. Repeating the last words your child say can help him add more to it. “So today you played with Layla at recess…” “Yes, we build a fairy house and it was so fun!” “It was fun, uh? I wonder how you build it?”

At bedtime, when fears of separation arise, connecting with our children for a few minutes can help ease their anxiety. Rushing to bed never works. Sleeping is the ultimate separation for children, where unconsciously they have to let go of their attachment by falling asleep (even the word falling triggers alarm). By bridging the gap between now and tomorrow morning, we reassure them that we’ll always be there. I usually say to my children: “I love you, have a good night sleep. I’ll see you in your dreams.” Consistency and loving boundaries are essential, even when faced with requests for more stories or water. “This is the last story then I’ll kiss you good night and I’ll see you in the morning”. “I hear you, you would like another song but this was the last one. Here, have daddy’s t-shirt with you”.

In summary, by prioritizing connection and understanding, we can navigate the ups and downs of parenthood with empathy and grace.